Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
