I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize