I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
