She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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