im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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