singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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