as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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