Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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