Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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