Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
