that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
