I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Randomize
