Swine flu. Run for my life!
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
