Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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