nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
