I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
