i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
