Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
