3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
