there's paper in my vomit.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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