True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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