btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
