Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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