My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
