i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize