Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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