I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize