I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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