I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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