im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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