just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
