I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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