I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
