So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
