I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
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