Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
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