HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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