I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
