Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It's blow job season.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
