I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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