Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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