That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
