the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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