Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
