mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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