hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
