I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
