Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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