You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
