so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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