Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
