i can't believe i had my finger in that
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
