i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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