he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
