Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
