I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Randomize
