You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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