i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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