So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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