How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
