Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
