I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
