my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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