He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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