Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I need to wash the frat house off of me
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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