the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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