Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
