Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
