I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I AM VODKA MAN
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
