I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
